indecision- the enemy of spiritual growth

i must confess that my nature is to procrastinate. in high school i consistently put off my homework until the last minute. in college i would wait all semester to work on the big research paper and do it the night before. i usually waited until the last minute to pack for a trip or wake up in the morning. while i do not by any means recommend this method, i continued to do it because it worked for me. i never missed an appointment and rarely forgot anything i needed to pack. i still got good grades on my work and didn't waste valuable video game time on homework until i absolutely had to. so, no real harm was done.

however, there is an area where procrastinating leads to death. i know that sounds extreme, but it is true. it is such a temptation to become stagnant and inactive in my faith. with the promise of grace on the table, often times there is little motivation to put in a full effort in changing my bad habits or thoughts. if God loves me no matter what, He won't care if i don't get up early to read my bible, right? if He can look past the sins of people in the bible who did WAY worse things than me, why should i try to fix the problems i have? this line of reasoning leads to spiritual death. it leads to a heart losing its ability to smell the sickening stench of its own sinfulness. it leads away from God and right into the clutches of satan. i cannot afford any longer to put off the changes i need to make in my spiritual life.

while i was thinking about all of this, i stumbled upon this quote today from provocations by soren kierkegaard-

'cowardice settles deep in our souls like the idle mists on stagnant waters. from it arise unhealthy vapors and deceiving
phantoms. the thing that cowardice fears most is decision; for decision always scatters the mists, at least for a moment. cowardice thus hides behind the thought it likes best of all: the crutch of time. cowardice and time always find a reason for not
hurrying, for saying, “not today, but tomorrow”, whereas God in heaven and the eternal say: “do it today. now is the day of
salvation.” the eternal refrain of decision is: “today, today.” but cowardice holds back, holds us up. If only cowardice would ap-
pear in all its baseness, one could recognize it for what it is and fight it immediately.'

we have become cowards- we lack the desire or the fortitude to change for the better. not to pass the buck, but it is my belief that a contributing factor to this problem is the teaching of the church today. now when i say church, i don't mean the one i work for, or churches of Christ or restoration movement churches. i mean the church as we know it in western civilization. we live in a culture saturated with sin, and have ourselves become infatuated with sin. instead of avoiding what we consider slightly sinful, we are too quick to embrace the ways of the world. our hatred and disgust for the sins in our lives has been diluted. the call of our loving Savior's voice has been muted by the call of a more interesting and more easily accessible lover- the darkness and intrigue of the world. so in the end, the average churchgoer doesn't look all that much different than people of the world- we still gossip, visit questionable websites, have judgmental hearts, speak words without love, cheat on our spouses physically and mentally, treat our kids poorly, etc. we just have a different way to spend our sunday mornings and wednesday nights. we have become dangerously passive and inactive when it comes to avoiding sin and embracing holiness.

i know, i know. my words sound harsh and critical. maybe overly critical. the call of discipleship i am laying out for all of us seems to go a little overboard, doesn't it? but the vital question we must ask in this- do those words seem harsh in comparison to the teaching we hear from our church or compared to what Jesus calls us to? in my opinion, we have gotten away from the extreme side of christianity. we have allowed it to become a passive part of our lives, not something that actively drives every thought, word, action and decision. we don't share our faith in God because it may offend. we don't live too radically because it may look odd to the people around us. christianity has become an activity, not a way of life. church has become a way to punch our 'get out of hell free' card, not a place to come and encourage the followers to remain faithful. but God did not send Christ to start a social club that happens to believe in Him. Christ did not lead 12 men around teaching them the right programs to start, the correct marketing schemes to launch to get big attendance numbers or the right songs to sing in worship service. Christ came to the earth and asked for people to follow Him. that is what we as a church must teach and embrace. so, faced with the decision to follow Him or to be indecisive and continue to err on the side of apathy, which will we choose? i think it's time to stop procrastinating and embrace a life of discipleship.

it was a good friday

today was a humbling and wonderful day. it was an eye-opening day. i participated in a community Good Friday service. i was asked to lead a prayer, which i did. but then a strange thing happened- i worshipped from the bottom of my heart. i felt emotion when i thought about the words uttered by Jesus- 'My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?' i cried today as i sang 'beneath the cross of Jesus.' i got chills as i thought about the word becoming flesh and taking on my sin. i felt conviction as the words of the message asked me which of the characters i played as i stood at the foot of the cross. i experienced the presence of God.

i understand and fully acknowledge that i am not the only one to experience emotional worship today. but the reason i write these words is because i realized something as i had this experience. i cannot remember the last time i experienced something like this. i cannot remember the last time i was truly moved to tears over the thought of Christ dying for me. i cannot recall the last time i held back tears as i sang a song in church. i cannot remember the last time i truly worshipped with all of my heart.

this was an amazingly saddening realization to come to. i am a minister. i lead devotionals and bible studies and teach class all the time. i lead worship nearly every week. my entire vocation is centered around God, and yet i had to honestly confess to myself that i was caught up in worship today for the first time in a very long time.

i don't know if i get into a rut or if i am so focused on getting it right so other people can experience God that i neglect to do that myself, but this honestly was one of the most eye opening days i have ever had in my entire life. at the age of 28, in the midst of my first long term ministry opportunity, i found myself in the throne room of God and it was unfamiliar territory. i pray that i am alone in this, but i fear that i am not. i pray that church has not become more about the building and the do's and do not's than about God, but i fear that it has. i pray that ministry has not become about programs that lead others to deep spirituality and allowed us as ministers to neglect our own spiritual health, but i fear that it has. i pray that i have not been so concerned with everyone else experiencing God that i have at times forgotten to allow myself to experience Him, but i fear that i have.

my prayer in this is that God will allow us to seek Him, not a religion that simply admires Him. i pray that we will strive not just to be fans and spectators of our Savior, but strive to be followers and disciples of the Christ who died for us. and i pray that God will renew our passion for living in His presence.

everybody will be happy over there

after i wrote that last blog on simple pleasures, i got to experience one- dairy queen ice cream cake. it was amazing. it brightened my day, especially that layer on the inside that is fudge and cookie crumbley stuff- to die for. (probably has the nutritional value of butter flavored crisco, but still tastes amazing) simply put, food brings me joy and i can only hope that God's eternal Presence does include some sort of food experience. in fact, my idea of heaven is a buffet with big tvs and sports games and comfortable couches. (i will apparently be severely obese in heaven...) i picture Heaven as all my simple pleasures wrapped up into one amazing, eternal package. but i'm not sure that will be the case.

i am human. i have always lived on earth, wearing flesh over my bones and walking around in this finite shell i call my body. because of this, it's hard for me to think about heaven. i can't conceptualize what being in God's Presence will be like. will i be scared? will i be happy? will i recognize people? will there be earthly things? will i long for things like ice cream cake, or will just being in the Presence of my Father be so overwhelming that i won't even think of anything but worshipping Him?

i wonder if Heaven will be anything that i even have the capacity to picture in my mind. mostly what i think heaven will consist of are love and peace. we go through so much turmoil and pain in this life because of our fallen nature. being separated from God because of our sin invites so many problems and complications in this life. but when we are reconciled to God through the Blood of His Son, i think all of that will disappear. so while i don't know what Heaven will look like or smell like, i know it will be so much better than even the most amazing moments here on earth.

feel free to share your thoughts on what Heaven looks like to you, and i guess one day we'll see how close we were to the truth.