Monday, December 17, 2007

welcome to the amoa

so i came to realize something today. it all started at the grocery store...

(at this point you need to hear that dreamy music and things need to get a little fuzzy. slowly, your vision clears to reveal me, whistling while pushing a shopping cart through the local market.)

so, now you see me, behind my cart, collecting my num nums. i stop by the dollar section to get some cookies. first i pick up some circus animal cookies that my roommate likes because he just graduated officially and they were to be his gift. then i get a few bags of the ones i like. they are these cute little bite size chocolate chip cookies that taste like the old mcdonalds cookies you used to buy in the box. and, believe you me, they are to die for. boy, don't get me going on those cookies or i will be a-jabberin away all day. anyway, so at this point i head to the checkout lane. as i make eye contact with the cashier and greet her, i suddenly panic. the reason for my panic is twofold. 1. i dislike forced social interaction. 2. i realize how much of a fatty i am going to look like as i go through the list if items i am about to lay before her. the items are as follows...

1 gallon of milk
2 bags of salad mix
1 package of cooked ham
2 gallons of water
(and here is where it gets embarrassing)
2 bags of betty crocker oatmeal chocolate chip cookie mix
2 bags of the aforementioned bite size chocolate chip cookies
3 bags of the aforementioned circus animal cookies
2 pounds of butter

realizing the obese nature of the latter half of my purchases, i make an attempt to lighten the mood by making the following joke to the cashier and her accompanying bagger...

"i promise i don't just eat cookies all day..."

then i enjoyed the sounds of crickets chirping as they both just stared at me. i felt like a complete idiot. so, i awkwardly swiped my card, grabbed my receipt and headed out, wanting to hit myself in the head and scream "idiot," ala tommy boy.

but wait, there's more. for this scene, set later that evening, we zoom in on the entrance to the local meijer superstore, where steve enters with a smile on his face.

(ok, do that fuzzy dream sequence thing again)

i entered the store on a mission- i needed to find an ergonomic snow shovel at a reasonable price. there was the typical little old lady greeter at the door. after receiving her hearty welcome i said, "you aren't all sold out of snow shovels are you?" (we just had a huge snowstorm) you may think this is where my interaction goes awry, but you are wrong. she smiled and said "no they are back in hardware but there may also be some along the middle of the aisle." heeding her helpful advice, i headed to hardware, grabbed my shovel and went to the checkout. the mental wound of my most recent checkout experience was still oozing, so i opted for the u-scan lane. i scanned my shovel, swiped my card and was on my way, very pleased with my ability to greet a lady and check out with no dorky incident to speak of. but, as fate would have it, i saw little old lady greeter on the way out. she, displaying a sherlock holmes-esque eye for detail, shouted, "i see you found your snow shovel!" i responded with a yes, and things would have been wonderful, had i not whacked myself in the head with my shovel as i turned to address her. again, i left the store humbled and feeling like a bit of a dork.

then, to top it off, i got home to use my new shovel and as i walked to the end of my driveway, i totally wiped out... for the second time that day.

i had the thought today that maybe i should make shirts that say "adorkable," and people like me could wear them around with pride. we could start a club called the adorkable men of america, and have meetings and social events. dorkiness would reign free, and we would have a wonderful time together spouting off puns and trying not to drop food on our clothing. but until that club takes off, i will live as a dork among men, and amuse myself with my random goofball acts.

you may be thinking that i had a rough day. you may be thinking, "steve is pretty cool. this must be very atypical for him." Sorry to burst your bubble, but you are wrong. this is a pretty accurate snapshot of the dorkiness i display on a daily basis. i wrote earlier that i had a bit of an awakening today. my epiphany was not that i am a dork, but rather that i am ok with it. in fact, as i get older, i suppose i think more and more that life is too short to be embarrassed all the time or to try to be someone you are not. i realized as i lay flat on my back in the driveway that being a dork really makes life fun and it gives me something to laugh at. so, if you are a dork, take heart. life can be entertaining because of it. just look at me, the poster child for the amoa.