messianic math

i love a good ol' cliche. it just makes me happy for some reason to hear a cheesy phrase thrown into a speech, or better yet, just a random conversation. one that i love (maybe this is just on the tip of my mind because it is almost 70 degrees out today) is any variation of this phrase-

"it may be raining outside, but the S-O-N is shining in here."

how can you not at least smile at that? not because it makes me think deeply about the presence of Christ in our hearts and minds at all time, but because it is just so corny.

here's another of my faves-

"let go, let God..."

note the dot, dot, dot at the end, because it never specifies what you are letting God do. so cryptic, yet so applicable to all situations. i can just see people's reactions to professionals using this advice tactic in their jobs. imagine going to a dermatologist and hearing the following...

don't know what to do about your dandruff problem? don't turn to head and shoulders- let go, let God.

or to a motivational speaker or seminar and hearing...

having issues passing that test or getting ahead in the corporate world? don't try harder- let go, let God.

or to a therapist and hearing this...

now i know you struggle with depression, anxiety, amnesia and dementia, so here is your prescription- let go, let God.

now with all due respect to those who use these phrases with good intentions, i do not mean to poke fun. i just think they have little value. i will gladly explain why i think that. life circumstances are too complicated to be explained away by black and white, cliche answers. furthermore, being a Christian is far too complex to be reduced to a rubric comprised of platitudes, sins that are a major "no-no" and helpful hints. while these inspirational sayings grandmas around the world cross stitch onto pillows lift the burden of the soul momentarily, they by no means have the spiritual girth to carry people through real spiritual crisis. in my mind, we practice theological reductionism by trying to use quips and quotes to negate lament and pain. for instance, how can we believe that Christians are supposed to be smiling and happy all the time and still have the story of the prophet jeremiah in our bibles? how can we say that bad things should not happen to good people and thumb through the pages of job? and how can we say that it cannot be God's plan for a Christian to suffer? do we not then have to ignore the path that took Jesus from gethsemane to the cross? that's why although i am entertained by these phrases, they really do nothing for me. it seems that these little nuggets of wisdom some people throw around are more like bandaids being placed over a gaping wound.

we are equally guilty when we try to reduce living a life of discipleship to bullet points and highlights we pull out of scripture and slap onto a track we pass around the neighborhood. (and here is where i get into trouble) following God is so much more than voting a certain way. it annoys me to no end when people think that someone is a good candidate to run this country just because they claim to be a Christian. it also annoys me when people think someone who is not a Christian will send the country straight to h-e-double hockey sticks and must have no morals at all. it's as though the sermon on the mount included a checklist of voting pro-life and anti-gay union. now before i get lambasted, please read this next part... do i believe abortion is ok? no. do i support gay marriage? no. but i think there is a big difference in standing up for Jesus and standing up for issues. when we stand up for issues, we ignore the people involved in the issues. God's creation- our neighbors and co-workers and friends- become statistics. how do we love a statistic? how do we extend grace to someone we view as "just another homosexual" or "that tramp who got an abortion?" where is the heart of Christ in that? i believe there is a way to stand up for God and the statutes of His kingdom without pushing others down and labeling them as projects, rejects or defects. there is a way to love the sinner while hating the sin. i believe God invented that when he saved you and i, and we are to follow Him in the way we live. i am not saying i have this figured out. what i am trying to point out is that we cannot just make God into an equation.

don't have premarital sex + pray before meals + go to a church building every sunday + vote correctly = heaven

that's not what i believe God had in mind for His plan of salvation. what i do think He had in mind was for us to be like david- to be after God's heart. i mean not only to reflect God's heart but to chase after God's heart. to never get enough. to never be close enough. to never settle for a watered down faith, but to always seek to learn more and be sharpened. i believe he sent Jesus to the earth not only to offer the gift of His death and resurrection, but to give us the gift of His life. to see how God would interact with people. not with judgment and malicious evangelism, but with love. not with blind acceptance and no accountability, but with a call to more than we often settle for.

so i know i went on and on, and even talked about politics for the first time on here, but i hope you can hear in my words my heart to be more than a cliche-wielding, bible thumping Christian. i am not nearly as interested in fitting the mold of a western Christian as i am in fitting the mold of my Savior and my God. i pray for His strength and mercy as i shave off the sins of apathy and reductionism that keep me from fitting that mold.

angry words

i am angry and frustrated right now. the problem is, i never know what to do with that emotion. i am by nature afraid of confrontation. i avoid it at all costs. for example, my friend made fun of me for the way i very timidly asked him for some money he owed me. "uh, do you think possibly you could pay me back for that dinner the other night? is that ok? if not, blah blah blah blah blah.." i am just a big wimp when it comes to being honest and confronting someone about even the slightest matter. i think at the core of the issue is that i think it is wrong for me to be mad at someone. it took me months and months to be upset with people who have wounded me more deeply than anyone else in my life. i displaced my anger on people on the fringes of the situation or on myself, most of the time. i would think that i messed something up and be mad that i didn't get it right. for some reason, i could never allow myself to fully express my anger, hurt and frustration to the person it was actually directed towards. as a result, frustration fermented into bitterness and cynicism, and i spent well over a year of my life not being me, but rather being this angry, irritable, cynical person.

so now i am stuck, because i am frustrated again with someone and don't know what to do with it. i am even more stuck, though, because i am frustrated with God right now. if i can't muster up the guts to tell a person how i feel, how am i ever going to express that to God? i am angry that there is this one thing in my life i want more than anything else, and i consistently do not get it. seemingly all my friends around me have it. people younger than me have it. people who have no respect for this gift at all have it, but i, despite trying to approach this gift in a Godly way, do not. in the past, and in weaker moments, i have expressed my anger to God by knowingly sinning. rebellion, i guess, would be a good label for it. this doesn't help. it drives me further away from God and just makes me angry with myself for messing up. i was doing this because, to be honest, i felt that God owed me this gift and i was going to show my disapproval of not receiving it. God is supposed to give us the desire of our hearts, right? so why is my wish not being honored? i do not want to fall into the traps of depression or sin again, but reiterate that i just don't know how to deal with these feelings.

as i pray about this and try to work through it, this scripture keeps popping into my mind about paul's thorn in the flesh. paul prayed three times for it to be taken away, and it was not. keep in mind also that this was the same writer who had learned to be content in all situations. another scripture that came to the surface was Jesus in the garden, asking for the cup to be taken from Him, yet submitting to God's will. so, now i feel foolish for expecting God to grant my desires when He even denied the requests of a powerful witness like paul, not to mention the request of His own Son. it helped put things into perspective for me, that just because God is not my personal genie does not mean He doesn't care for me. also, it made me wonder if i was wanting this gift more than i was desiring intimacy with God, or allowing my possession of this gift to dictate my relationship with God. writing all of this and wrestling with these issues brings several monumental things to the surface. God's will- what is it, how do we seek it, how do we learn to be content within it, how do we find the patience for it to be revealed? sin- why do we choose it, how does it change us, how does it influence God's decisions to bless us or not bless us? lament- do we have a place for it in our lives, do we allow church to be an outlet for it, is it scriptural, how honest can you be with God, what is the difference between lament and just whining? contentment- are content and happy the same thing, can you be content and still desire something you do not have?

i do not have the answers to these questions, but i have been thinking about them a lot lately. also, i have been reminded a lot lately that i have not blogged for a while, and would like to be more consistent with that. so, i have decided to tackle some of those issues in the coming weeks, hopefully writing once or twice a week. feel free to comment and get some dialogue going.

welcome to the amoa

so i came to realize something today. it all started at the grocery store...

(at this point you need to hear that dreamy music and things need to get a little fuzzy. slowly, your vision clears to reveal me, whistling while pushing a shopping cart through the local market.)

so, now you see me, behind my cart, collecting my num nums. i stop by the dollar section to get some cookies. first i pick up some circus animal cookies that my roommate likes because he just graduated officially and they were to be his gift. then i get a few bags of the ones i like. they are these cute little bite size chocolate chip cookies that taste like the old mcdonalds cookies you used to buy in the box. and, believe you me, they are to die for. boy, don't get me going on those cookies or i will be a-jabberin away all day. anyway, so at this point i head to the checkout lane. as i make eye contact with the cashier and greet her, i suddenly panic. the reason for my panic is twofold. 1. i dislike forced social interaction. 2. i realize how much of a fatty i am going to look like as i go through the list if items i am about to lay before her. the items are as follows...

1 gallon of milk
2 bags of salad mix
1 package of cooked ham
2 gallons of water
(and here is where it gets embarrassing)
2 bags of betty crocker oatmeal chocolate chip cookie mix
2 bags of the aforementioned bite size chocolate chip cookies
3 bags of the aforementioned circus animal cookies
2 pounds of butter

realizing the obese nature of the latter half of my purchases, i make an attempt to lighten the mood by making the following joke to the cashier and her accompanying bagger...

"i promise i don't just eat cookies all day..."

then i enjoyed the sounds of crickets chirping as they both just stared at me. i felt like a complete idiot. so, i awkwardly swiped my card, grabbed my receipt and headed out, wanting to hit myself in the head and scream "idiot," ala tommy boy.

but wait, there's more. for this scene, set later that evening, we zoom in on the entrance to the local meijer superstore, where steve enters with a smile on his face.

(ok, do that fuzzy dream sequence thing again)

i entered the store on a mission- i needed to find an ergonomic snow shovel at a reasonable price. there was the typical little old lady greeter at the door. after receiving her hearty welcome i said, "you aren't all sold out of snow shovels are you?" (we just had a huge snowstorm) you may think this is where my interaction goes awry, but you are wrong. she smiled and said "no they are back in hardware but there may also be some along the middle of the aisle." heeding her helpful advice, i headed to hardware, grabbed my shovel and went to the checkout. the mental wound of my most recent checkout experience was still oozing, so i opted for the u-scan lane. i scanned my shovel, swiped my card and was on my way, very pleased with my ability to greet a lady and check out with no dorky incident to speak of. but, as fate would have it, i saw little old lady greeter on the way out. she, displaying a sherlock holmes-esque eye for detail, shouted, "i see you found your snow shovel!" i responded with a yes, and things would have been wonderful, had i not whacked myself in the head with my shovel as i turned to address her. again, i left the store humbled and feeling like a bit of a dork.

then, to top it off, i got home to use my new shovel and as i walked to the end of my driveway, i totally wiped out... for the second time that day.

i had the thought today that maybe i should make shirts that say "adorkable," and people like me could wear them around with pride. we could start a club called the adorkable men of america, and have meetings and social events. dorkiness would reign free, and we would have a wonderful time together spouting off puns and trying not to drop food on our clothing. but until that club takes off, i will live as a dork among men, and amuse myself with my random goofball acts.

you may be thinking that i had a rough day. you may be thinking, "steve is pretty cool. this must be very atypical for him." Sorry to burst your bubble, but you are wrong. this is a pretty accurate snapshot of the dorkiness i display on a daily basis. i wrote earlier that i had a bit of an awakening today. my epiphany was not that i am a dork, but rather that i am ok with it. in fact, as i get older, i suppose i think more and more that life is too short to be embarrassed all the time or to try to be someone you are not. i realized as i lay flat on my back in the driveway that being a dork really makes life fun and it gives me something to laugh at. so, if you are a dork, take heart. life can be entertaining because of it. just look at me, the poster child for the amoa.