i haven't written for a bit, so i thought i would. normally i reserve posts for moments of inspiration, but this time i just want to type and see what happens.
i wonder what it is inside of us that we truly, truly long for. i mean, we say there are so many things we label as concerns or priorities, but what is at the core of everything? God? family? career? security? self? the needs of others? status? avoiding loneliness?
i love to be around people most of the time. people make me laugh and think. when i get home from work, sometimes i want to be alone and participate in something mindless and relaxing. but most times, i just long for conversation. i long to connect to someone. so i guess one could say that having valuable relationships is something i place a good deal of stock in. but it makes me wonder in my times of loneliness... you know, when you sign on IM to see who is around and all your friends are away or you try to have people over to watch a movie or play cards and they all have other plans, or you are the 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel yet again....in those times i wonder if i am seeking for a human to try to silence a cry within me that only the Divine can truly mute- a cry for connection and intimacy. i want to be married so i can have someone to be with, to share life with. someone to tell all the stupid little things like that my chair broke at work or that someone said "duties" in an important meeting and i laughed or that i saw that little squirrel at the bottom of my steps again. i want to feel comfortable enough with someone that i let them into my world. i don't want to have to guard myself or keep someone at arm's length. i want to know them and to be known by them. the puzzling thing is that i have someOne waiting to be exactly that for me, yet i choose to not reciprocate the call. God has and always will be there, longing for intimate relationship with His created. His cry is heard through the voices of the prophets, through the incarnation of His Son and through His constant Presence and working in our lives. it reminds me of the following song lyrics-
what a friend we have in Jesus
all our sins and griefs to bear
what a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer
oh, what peace we often forfeit,
oh, what needless pain we bear
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer
i know this is true. i know there are times i gripe to my friends about stressful things or try to come up with solutions to problems without consulting God. i know God will lead me if i ask, but still i resist. i suspect that part of my resistance comes from the idea that it is easier to connect with a kindred spirit wearing earthly clothes than a Divine Spirit i cannot see. how can i seek to know the wind? how can i connect to a Being as unfathomable as God? even as inept as i am at figuring out women, i at least know for the most part what they think of me. and with friends, you can sit and do nothing or talk about nothing and it is fine. so how does this intimacy and friendship translate when it comes to my relationship with God? can i truly know God? can i go to God with nothing in particular to say? does God want to know all the little things? after all, it seems a bit odd to talk to Him about loving chocolate pudding or tripping on the sidewalk in front of a bunch of people. and i know God asks us to cast our cares on Him, but i often avoid it. i tell my friends about my problems, and it is therapeutic, so why do i resist telling God about my problems?
i often pray that God will give me that person to connect to. sometimes i think i have found the person. sometimes i think i never will. what i do know is that if i ever find that person who is my soul mate, perfect match or whatever you want to call it, my connection with them will be meaningless if i neglect to keep and improve my connection with God. i must seek Him first and His righteousness, and continue to do so even if these things are not added to me in my time.
please don't comment and say stuff like "you'll find the one some day, steve." i know it would be heartfelt and you would truly mean it, and i appreciate that. however, my purpose in talking openly about relationships or the lack thereof is not to gain pity or reassurance, but rather just to reiterate how much i believe our earthly relationships can and do parallel our relationship with God.