Monday, December 17, 2007

welcome to the amoa

so i came to realize something today. it all started at the grocery store...

(at this point you need to hear that dreamy music and things need to get a little fuzzy. slowly, your vision clears to reveal me, whistling while pushing a shopping cart through the local market.)

so, now you see me, behind my cart, collecting my num nums. i stop by the dollar section to get some cookies. first i pick up some circus animal cookies that my roommate likes because he just graduated officially and they were to be his gift. then i get a few bags of the ones i like. they are these cute little bite size chocolate chip cookies that taste like the old mcdonalds cookies you used to buy in the box. and, believe you me, they are to die for. boy, don't get me going on those cookies or i will be a-jabberin away all day. anyway, so at this point i head to the checkout lane. as i make eye contact with the cashier and greet her, i suddenly panic. the reason for my panic is twofold. 1. i dislike forced social interaction. 2. i realize how much of a fatty i am going to look like as i go through the list if items i am about to lay before her. the items are as follows...

1 gallon of milk
2 bags of salad mix
1 package of cooked ham
2 gallons of water
(and here is where it gets embarrassing)
2 bags of betty crocker oatmeal chocolate chip cookie mix
2 bags of the aforementioned bite size chocolate chip cookies
3 bags of the aforementioned circus animal cookies
2 pounds of butter

realizing the obese nature of the latter half of my purchases, i make an attempt to lighten the mood by making the following joke to the cashier and her accompanying bagger...

"i promise i don't just eat cookies all day..."

then i enjoyed the sounds of crickets chirping as they both just stared at me. i felt like a complete idiot. so, i awkwardly swiped my card, grabbed my receipt and headed out, wanting to hit myself in the head and scream "idiot," ala tommy boy.

but wait, there's more. for this scene, set later that evening, we zoom in on the entrance to the local meijer superstore, where steve enters with a smile on his face.

(ok, do that fuzzy dream sequence thing again)

i entered the store on a mission- i needed to find an ergonomic snow shovel at a reasonable price. there was the typical little old lady greeter at the door. after receiving her hearty welcome i said, "you aren't all sold out of snow shovels are you?" (we just had a huge snowstorm) you may think this is where my interaction goes awry, but you are wrong. she smiled and said "no they are back in hardware but there may also be some along the middle of the aisle." heeding her helpful advice, i headed to hardware, grabbed my shovel and went to the checkout. the mental wound of my most recent checkout experience was still oozing, so i opted for the u-scan lane. i scanned my shovel, swiped my card and was on my way, very pleased with my ability to greet a lady and check out with no dorky incident to speak of. but, as fate would have it, i saw little old lady greeter on the way out. she, displaying a sherlock holmes-esque eye for detail, shouted, "i see you found your snow shovel!" i responded with a yes, and things would have been wonderful, had i not whacked myself in the head with my shovel as i turned to address her. again, i left the store humbled and feeling like a bit of a dork.

then, to top it off, i got home to use my new shovel and as i walked to the end of my driveway, i totally wiped out... for the second time that day.

i had the thought today that maybe i should make shirts that say "adorkable," and people like me could wear them around with pride. we could start a club called the adorkable men of america, and have meetings and social events. dorkiness would reign free, and we would have a wonderful time together spouting off puns and trying not to drop food on our clothing. but until that club takes off, i will live as a dork among men, and amuse myself with my random goofball acts.

you may be thinking that i had a rough day. you may be thinking, "steve is pretty cool. this must be very atypical for him." Sorry to burst your bubble, but you are wrong. this is a pretty accurate snapshot of the dorkiness i display on a daily basis. i wrote earlier that i had a bit of an awakening today. my epiphany was not that i am a dork, but rather that i am ok with it. in fact, as i get older, i suppose i think more and more that life is too short to be embarrassed all the time or to try to be someone you are not. i realized as i lay flat on my back in the driveway that being a dork really makes life fun and it gives me something to laugh at. so, if you are a dork, take heart. life can be entertaining because of it. just look at me, the poster child for the amoa.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was laughing out loud at this post! Well done! What cookies are these chocolate chip ones you speak of? I LOVED the ones from McDonalds and didn't know that there was anything close to them! Please share!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Steve. You're so adorkable.

Anonymous said...

Following in the heels of your completely adorkable post, I have a confession to make.

I go the wrong way. No matter what, no matter if I have two options or twenty. If it's a hall, I will go the wrong way. If I am driving I will go the wrong way. I play an MMORPG online where I can fly, which means infinite directions to go...and at any given point I will inevitably be going the wrongest way possible. In fact my friend took the "teleport friend" power specifically because my directional deficiency.

You'd think this would be easy to fix - if you ALWAYS go the wrong way, just pick the way you think you should go and go the exact opposite....right? Yeah, I did that, last time I was in Kentucky, eventually convinced myself I was going the wrong way, turned around... and turns out THEN I was going the wrong way and before I was only a block from my destination...which, incidentally, was a Cracker Barrel that I desperately needed to get to because I was famished.

My best friend from childhood has said on more than one occasion 'Your complete lack of ability to negotiate three dimensional spaces is astounding.'

I go the wrong way. I choose to see it as funny, or adventurous, adorakable...which is better than getting pissed at having to turn around 800 times.

Can I join your club?

Anonymous said...

Also, since I seem to have NOT said it before, I loved this post and it made me laugh so hard I about cried. *hug*

Anonymous said...

Umm... hilarious. I, just like Sarah, was laughing out loud because I can totally see you doing all of these things.

Remember when you broke our oven the first day you were at our house... and then something with the ice maker in the freezer I think. Oh gosh, I miss you, Steve!

Courtney Strahan said...

i laughed out loud through the whole thing. loved it.

Anonymous said...

Remember the day we realized Heather Wilder really only has three fingers? That was akward.

iyashii genan said...

These lyrics are taken from the background music as my playlist is set to random. Completely skipping any cool theme song your latest post could have received ranging from Gladiator to Enya or even NSYNC's own Justin Timberlake; but alas, High School musical turned to be the decided album.

The track is appropriately titled: We're all in this together. Catchy huh.

"Everyone is special in their own way
We make each other strong (each other strong)
Were not the same
Were different in a good way
Together's where we belong"

The coinciding of this tune with your post struck hilarity but at the same time quarkily made sense. You are very special Steve and the qualities that make you different set you apart from anyone else. Your unique sense of humor, whether witty or incidentally awkward helps others feel comfortable.

It's good that everyone is different and that we enjoy (or at least never outgrow) chocolate chip cookies or those shaped as circus critters. Such a motley list of ingredients makes life all the more tasty.

~Deus fortuno

Anonymous said...

How did we not end up making those cookies the other day? That is disappointing.

Kari said...

it kinda reminds me of the time I went to the grocery store with my sister, and she got some normal stuff, and I walked out with the 2 things I went there for (Metamucil and decaf cofee), and then picked up a little treat (pitted prunes).

She made me stand in another line.
The End.

Nick Swantek said...

Not only do I find that absolutely hilarious, but wish I could have been there to witness the event. I kinda wish that it even happened to me. Also, we need ribs and this time dont mess with my box!

Kirsten Alana said...

personally I find it comforting to know you haven't changed and you're still the same Steve I last saw.

wait, I mean, I hurt with you.

ok, not actually sure of the proper response here! ;-)

Kirsten Alana said...

After further thought I'm gonna go with the party line here: you're adorable.

[i couldn't resist.]

Brandon said...

that is pretty rough. and yes the mcdonalds cookies are to die for. and apparently you almost did by wiping out twice. love ya brother.