sorry i haven't written in a while. i know there have been tens of... people waiting for my next post. it's been a crazy few months for me in a lot of ways. sometimes i have so many thoughts at once that it is hard to land on one coherent enough to write about. so to get me back in the creative mood, i decided to just write out my thoughts at the moment.
i don't know what happens now. i don't know what i am supposed to do when i thought i knew where God's path was leading me and now i come face to face with a big detour sign. i don't even know what i feel right now. i'm not angry. i'm not depressed. i'm not disgruntled, which is weird, because previously circumstances like i am facing now would have resulted in emotions like that. but i am closer to being emotionless lately. not numb. just still. waiting. expecting. seeking. it's like that moment at the top of the hill on the roller coaster where you know something awesome is about to happen, but you are just frozen for that split second. just think about stopping in that roller coaster at the top of the hill. imagine the things you'd see. the beauty of the view. the anticipation of the unknown in your future. it would be unsettling and calming at the same time. hectic and placid. unnerving and serene all at once. now imagine that split second lasting for 3 months, and that's where i am. in the roller coaster of my life, i am sitting at the top of the hill, just taking in the view. i look back and see the valleys i have risen from. i see the valleys ahead. but i see the excitement ahead too. i see the potential to move on from my past and into a new start. being on top of this hill has changed my outlook on many things. i'm finding contentment not in circumstances, but in the knowledge that God is there, and in control even when my finite mind can't grasp that. it is like the instability of my life is the only thing that could have possibly led me to being secure spiritually. sins have lost their luring power. people never seem like distractions or burdens anymore, they seem like opportunities to experience God. and now i am beginning to see what life can be like if it is lived to glorify and serve God. so while i don't know what state i will live in next month, where i will work or when or if i will ever get married and start a family, i feel more positive about my life than i ever have. maybe for the first time, i am seeking God's will first, instead of asking Him to come alongside me and bless what i have already decided to do. and that in itself is more of a blessing than i could ever imagine. so i thank God for the breathtaking view that only this pause could bring into my line of sight.