Wednesday, February 14, 2007

motivation

i was having a chatty chat with a friend today and an issue came up that i thought was quite interesting. i guess i will just let you dive into my world a bit and give the exact context of the conversation.
we were talking about Valentine's Day and how it kinda stinks to be single on a holiday that is such an in-your-face, designed-for-couples, let's-kiss-in-public-and-giggle, make-you-want-to-vomit, type of day. out of that, i mentioned that it is getting a little old at this point to not have someone to share these wonderful days with. with each passing holiday, my singleness becomes a little more painful.

-sidenote-
now, we can go into the whole spiel about how i should be content with anything, blah, blah, blah. (i think i just "blah, blah, blahed the Bible. whoops.) well, i think i am content, but i think you can be content while still desiring something different than your current state (i.e. Paul's thorn in the flesh.)
-end sidenote-

well, on this day of roses, i found the thorn in my flesh, and i want to remove it. i want to have a girlfriend. call me shallow, call me whatever, but it is true. but this lead my brain to stumble over something else.
i have lacked discipline for a while. i addressed this in my last post. (honestly, i think my loss of desire to be disciplined was a sort of rebellion against God for the life circumstances that I didn’t exactly care for. i realize that this was wrong on many levels and have repented for it.) so, i am now on this personal journey to be a more disciplined person in all areas of my life. during this time of lacking discipline, i have been single and have been praying quite consistently for a relationship to come my way, yet with no results. so i began to wonder what the correlation between my lack of discipline and my lack of relationship was.
i do not view God as One to hold a carrot in front of my face to motivate me to change. (He knows well enough to not use vegetables to lure me, anyway.) i don't know how i feel about the notion of God "punishing" me because i am imperfect or have not reached my goal of being disciplined. but it does make me wonder if sometimes God withholds blessings from us until we are in a place that will allow us to take full advantage of them. the Psalms often use the language of "waiting on the Lord." so, i wonder if God has been withholding the blessing of a relationship from me not to punish or torture me, but because in my undisciplined state, i would have not given my all to my mate or would have approached the relationship in an ungodly way.
that being said, i had another thought immediately follow. i felt compelled to check my motives in changing. after realizing this potential correlation between undisciplined steve and single steve, i want to make sure that i am becoming a more Godly person because i need to be, not so that God will give me a love connection. i do believe that any good change is ultimately good, no matter what the reason. if a guy quits using drugs to impress someone else, even with misguided motivations, quitting the use of drugs in itself is still a good thing. however, in the spiritual realm, i think we are called to more than just making changes for surface reasons. i don't want to become a more Godly person so i will be blessed or have more clout with my prayers, via James 5. i want to become a more Godly person because i know it is what i need and what i am called to be. i want to please God. and the harsh reality is that even pleasing God does not lock me into any better status of having blessings granted or prayers answered (i think Job would agree). so, i have no flashy closing or great wrap-up statement here. i really just wanted to let you inside my brain and hopefully challenge you to the same examination of your motivations for change and obedience to God.

6 comments:

Jared Cramer said...

or, instead of praying to god for a relationship, you could ask a girl out. and keep asking girls out until you spend time with one who makes you stop and think, "huh. i could be around you for a while."

much love, my friend, but something in me doubts that god is in the matchmaking game.

Emily said...

Just a thought:
It might be that you're ready, but she's not. Would you rather God give you what you want now and have it turn out to be a disaster, or hold off for a bit until you are both in exactly the right place to be with one another?

It's rough, but you can hack it. :)

thethinker said...

I agree with the guy quitting drugs analogy. So long as he quits, no matter what his motives are, it's a good thing.

Anonymous said...

"but it does make me wonder if sometimes God withholds blessings from us until we are in a place that will allow us to take full advantage of them."

I think God does do this. At least, I have seen it in my own life after looking back with hindsight. There are so many things that I wanted and had I been given them in my timing I would have crushed them with my own two hands like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy.

I hope you get what you long for, and when you do, appreciate and cherish it. Though I don't have any doubt you will.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes God waits until you realize that you don't really need the desired item(or person)to be what He created you to be. Irony at its best.

iyashii genan said...

I would have to second Emily. Life isn't always laid out the way that we would like it to be sometimes. And as you said, maybe you would not be able to make full vantage the blessing, or possibly be led into unchristian tendencies. It's all a bunch of "what if's" that we cannot answer by ourselves. Patience and faith, though cliche', are the only advice I can give. If you are ever alone on Valentine's day though, we could hang out. Turn the couple's holiday into a guy's night out type deal. It would be fun.